Death IS terrible. Our world has been so completely surrounded by it lately, whether due to war, floods, earthquakes, or tragic murders and early-disease causing deaths, that it is impossible not to think about it. It being death. And the why is never as important as the end result, the what: death is still permanent and leaves a hole larger than the Grand Canyon. And a crater... that big... can be filled, but that takes years, upon years...and teaspoons of dirt to do so. And in between that time, whether years or decades, is a mountain-full of hurt.
So, the dark cloud of lost life floating above our world lately, combined with my past and how far I have come, made me think a lot on this topic I am going to speak on. Death is awful. No doubt. But, I began to wonder if there is anything that makes you feel worse than losing someone. Then I read one of my favorite bloggers posts and I knew I, too, had to share my history and my feelings on the topic of the Big "D." If not for my own healing necessities, but for my children's true understanding of my lessons on the topic. Here is to hoping, through my pain and challenges, they will avoid some similar mistakes and/or be able to handle their own trials with even greater strength.
DIVORCE
To me there are a FEW things worse than death:
A) Going your entire life without knowing the love and forgiveness of Jesus and the peace that comes with that.
B) Watching your children hurt or seeing them face a pain and there being NOTHING you can do about it.
C) Losing someone way too soon.
D) Living your life selfishly.
E) Getting a Divorce.
Thankfully, I have no issues with option A. Options B and C are inevitable and we all face those upheavals. Letter D...I spend much time and effort, not neglecting myself, but offering sacrificial love in His name. But, E? Well, not everyone has to climb that mountain. God never meant us to. 'Cause, it really, freaking hurts. It is destructive to your insides, which normally reflects on your outsides. You should know know know know KNOW that you are marrying who GOD intends for you to marry before you utter the words, "I do." For the cancellation of that vow, the day you sign your name on the "I don't," is equally as horrible as death...in my humble opinion. In fact, it is a kind of death...
I am so happy today, at this point in my life, that I literally come to tears when I think about where I am, compared with where I have been. (Sigh. Very, content sigh.) But, my life, especially my adult life, has held more heavy hearted days than times of elated, joy. Part of it was because of my lack of a safe, loving environment and part of it was poor choices. There were many times when I didn't see happiness because the ache was too deep. And because I allowed the pain of loss to take over, I made even bigger mistakes, which ended in results that could not be undone. All is forgiven if love is true, and God does, indeed, offer true 110% grace. But the scars and pains never, completely, dissolve. And neither do the consequences...or the memories of those choices.
So, if you never, ever have to face the failure, known as divorce, you will never have any pains or scars to try to erase.
All that pain will just be filled with love.
Love that is so, so, very worth the wait.
I was not patient and did not seek the advice of my Father, first. So, I faced this giant named 'break-up', this Goliath, twice. Even saying those words, "I've been divorced, twice," hurts. I feel like such a horrible failure to such a degree that I do not allow myself to think about it for too long. When I married Ryan, I was in love with his complete acceptance, his unconditional love, his laugh, the way he lit up a room, and the way he made every day, no matter the circumstances, fun. I still am in love with him for the same reasons; but in the way one is in love with their brother or a very close cousin. We could have, should have, been best friends from the beginning, and stayed that way. We both could have saved each other so much heartache. My heart, my instinct, knew that. But I did not listen to those inner whispers...at all.
Now, I would never trade our marriage, life, history, love, or creation of our son, Austin, for anything. Every second of the pain was worth it. But that is easy for me to say now that I am on the opposite end. When I was "in" it, when I was miles from the top of the mountain, I was fairly certain I would never see the other side. I did get there, thankfully. However, the trek up was an exhausting adventure.
Through His strength, my determination, and a lot of love from a lot of people, I did conquer divorce and its pain. But it took years, and even a second marriage and divorce, before that happened.
I allowed Ryan to have that divorce in 2002, but I never really accepted it. I loved him, I loved his family, I loved our life, and I loved our son, so somewhere deep inside I believed he would return to us. It was not until 2008, after years of therapy and scores of Sunday lessons, I loved myself enough...to let him, and our past, go.
Phewww. It was like letting go of a million pounds of rocks over a cliff once you have carried them for almost 10 years. And I now have pecks of memories and moments of happiness that I would never trade, especially the moment where we shared the birth of our son.
My second marriage? That marriage was too much too quick and we both our inner voices told us differently. Neither of us listened and even though both of us could throw blame at the other, it is easiest to just say that our personalities are too opposite and we just could not make our differences reconcilable. It was a costly marriage and divorce; both emotionally and financially. And even though, I have many lessons that I can take from that union, and a beautiful daughter, I also had many disfigurements of my heart, that took years to repair. And even still, some bruises will always remain...
Worth it?
Of course. Because I have two perfectly healthy, funny, talented, and wonderful children. And I would not trade any hurts from the past for either of them...
And I would never want to trade in the life-changing lessons I've gained, either.
So, my conclusion, is this.
Yes, it was worth it and no, it wasn't.
I cherish my children, I cherish my emotional growth, but I do not cherish the stigma that the word "divorce" holds, or the mountains of sleepness nights, or the river of tears, or the piles of debt...all which ALSO came from marrying, without consulting with and listening to, Him.
I love Austin and I love Chloe. I love my present, and permanent, husband so much that I forget that I am not in a dream. I love my job and I love my church. I, truly, love my life.
But, it took a long, uphill, rocky path to get here. Through Divorce One Lane and Divorce Two Alley. And I often think what I could have done for the Kingdom, for my family, and for myself...if I had heeded to His voice and never had to face this heartbreak...that's worse than death...twice.
I'm just saying...
Thankfully, He offered me His Grace...and more second chances than I deserved...and I am blessed, happy, loved, and serving, and all is truly, well.
But, I just wanted to say, that even when you are forgiven, the consequences of your choices remain.
Just believe me and maybe you won't have to learn it the hard way.
Because, seriously...the hard way is just like it sounds: really, darn HARD!
