I'm Beautiful

Beautiful by MercyMe

The days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful

I'm praying that you have the heart to find
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
And they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are made so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skys above
You're the one He madly loves
Enough to die

You're beautiful
You're beautiful
In His eyes

You're beautiful
You were meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You're meant for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful
You're beautiful
You are treasured, You are sacred, You are His

 The first time I heard this song I nearly had to pull over from the emotions that poured through me.  This feels like my lifelong, continuing struggle with my belief, or lack there of, that anyone could love me or ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER think that I am beautiful.  I lived in a childhood where fat was screamed in my face daily. Therefore, body image has consumed my inner most thoughts at most times of the day.  And now, I have a digestive food poisoning continuing struggle that makes me heave at the thought of food.  Yet, I have not only NOT lost weight, I have gained more pounds than I will even allow myself to admit in print.  So the body image issues continue.  I am married now and the irony is my husband's "pet name" for me is Beautiful.  He never complains about how I look and contrarily, tells me how much he loves me over and over and over...  Yet, I can't believe him.  Because the struggles from the last year and a half have caused me to let person after person down.  Let my students down.  My church down.  My family down.  My children down.  So, I am probably in the darkest valley I have ever been in.  And it hurts.  And I have had a loss and I am grieving.  A lot.  But, I am Kelley Deep.  So, I have the determination of what that name symbols: Stubbornness.  And so...I am determined. I am determined to get to the acceptance stage of my life altering illness. 

Determined.

Part of my steps of beating "this" is spending weekly time with my therapist and one of my goals is to re-center my thinking by LITERALLY stopping when I say or even THINK a negative thought about myself, either inside or out, and re-directing my thoughts pattern.

Another goal is to simply re-direct my passions.  My passion to serve my God, my church, the community of PCC. To spend time with with children and my friends....and my best friend.  My passion to get back to the gym and lose myself in a workout, no matter the level.  So...I may not be able to dance around in PowerJam like I loved doing...but God has many other ways He can use Kelley.  Broken, down in the valley, but loves her Jesus Kelley.

I am starting my new blog with the warning that this will be funny Kelley.....but there is a lot of angry kelley and sad kelley inside right now.  Don't get me wrong, I know how blessed I am.  And I am NOT dwelling on the negative.  I promise.  I am simply dealing in one of the best ways I know how: through words.

Because there is never a time I feel more beautiful, then when I put my gift of words into use, through the outlet of writing.

Lastly, I am grateful for all of you who have been there and/or continue to be there for me, pray for me, care for me, and down-right love me through it all.  Nothing has gone unnoticed.  Your desire to "serve" has allowed me to find laughter through this all and feel a love that I dreamt was out there, but now I know exists...in so many ways.