Finally...I Believe



"Jesus"



 I have "believed" in the love and power of Jesus Christ since September 13, 1987.  The first time I heard someone speak of this 'God' who would love you through all and consequently, send you people in your life that would, too... I knew, confidently, that Christ must live in my heart.

It was not a gradual belief.  It was instant.  But the trust, faith, and unwavering mindset....well, that took about another 24 more years..give or take a few days... ;o)

The last twenty-one months have literally been 'hell on earth.'

The bacteria that invaded my body not only stole my physical health, it tortured my emotional and spiritual well-being, too.

For the fact that we are all SICK of hearing and/or talking about it...I will leave out the details of my daily life over the past, almost, 2 years. 

But...they were horrible.  So horrifically unbearable on some days that I have no words...

I would wonder, ponder, ask, cry, beg, and plead to our Father as to why this was happening to me?

I could NOT believe that it was not my fault. 

The doctor's said it wasn't.

The tests, NUMEROUS TESTS, said it wasn't.

My friends and family said it wasn't.

But after 21 months of feeling sick every single solitary minute of the day...I had myself convinced that I deserved this suffering and/or I was purposely sabotaging myself to remain the victim.

I swear.  That is what I believed.  I couldn't help it.

I had tried e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g

Thanking God for all the millions of blessings that came through this illness:

1. Brian...and how he proved his immense love to all three of us.

2. Pocahontas...a daily 'family' away from my family.

3. PCC...I am unable to list all the people who loved on our family.

4. God...My relationship is so much stronger...deeper...than it ever was, for I was forced to spend so much time with Him, in prayer and reading.

And. So. Much. More.

Truthfully, the amount of pure, solid agape that was showered upon me...

Just the thought is overwhelming.

Truly...

But, even through all that gratefulness, I was still not better.

So, I began to meditate by my window each morning, continuing to ponder what I was supposed to learn:

I reviewed who I was...who I am...and dug deep down inside of me...

And still, day after day, I woke up sick.

I did what all the doctors said...and it just didn't seem to matter.

Then, last week, the pain became too unbearable. 

 I was physically unable to teach, spent three days in bed, and could absolutely not take any more.

I, finally, gave in and drove myself to the hospital.

The details of this three day visit are not the point. 

Bottom Line=They sorta fixed me.

I will never be back to who I was physically and will need to take medicine, maybe, for the rest of my life...

But...I will never be back to who I was spiritually or emotionally again either.

Cause...

Through this terrible illness, awful emotional struggles, and difficult spiritual doubts

I finally believed.

Believed that this 'disorder' is NOT my fault.

Believed that God is NOT punishing me for my past and its poor choices.

Believed that although 'crazy', I am not insane.

Something bad just happened.

And the result was I became very, very ill.

Unfortunately, it took me just shy of two years to have a day where I felt zero effects from the food poisoning, and caused me to lose much of my daily life.

But...what I gained from this struggle is far greater than anything I may have lost:

Financially, we saw debt...Emotionally, we cried...Physically, I lost all strength and stamina...and Spiritually, I questioned my beliefs.

However, those were, and continue to be, "things", although terrible, that I had to go through.

We all do, at some point, I suppose.

I thought I would never get over this trauma.

Ever.

But, just one week later, I know that not only will I get over it...I know what I was to learn through it all.

To believe...finally.

Finally, know that I am so blessed, so loved, and so forgiven.

I truly believe that God loves me. 

He REALLY loves me.

I believe it and KNOW it.

He must. 

Otherwise, how would I have hundreds upon thousands of blessings?

Believing is such a grand thing.



My Greatest Blessings



Author's Note:  If I listed all the blessings I have in my life, especially the people who loved on our family through this trial, I would be typing for two more years. 

For, not one day...not one single, solitary day...went by, that He didn't show His love to us through the many calls, letters, cards, visits, meals, gifts, words, texts, posts, prayers, and love of our children.

Thank you doesn't cut it.

But I will have to believe that you know how grateful my heart is.

Every minute of every day.