Too Many Emotions So Little Time



Kelley and Morgan: Special Club Members



It's been a long four weeks.

Emotions have gone so high and so low that I feel like I am on the top roller coaster in the world.

And I am so tired of riding it.  I want off.  I want to give back my "Coaster Club" t-shirt and never ride the daily ups and downs...to this degree...ever again.

I am sick.  My body refuses to heal, no matter how hard I try or how diligently I obey the doctor's orders.

I look old.  I look tired.  I look like I weigh 100 pounds more than I did before I was sick.  I look, well, sick.

And after almost 650 days of being nauseous and feeling like I have the flu....I guess that makes sense.

But it is so hard to be so physically miserable and so emotionally content at the same time.

So the depression continues and the inner struggle to convince myself I am worthy....worthy of anything...continues.

I feel like I have lost total control and am living in a kind of, well, prison...

And I just want to be paroled.  I just want to get off for good behavior.  I want a total turnover of my case:  I want to be freed.

Sometimes the physical pain is so unbearable, that I have to dig so deep to even see a glimpse of the emotional happiness, so that I know I can do this....I know I can continue to hang on through this current bought. 

Sometimes I can't see the glimpse.  Not even a tiny, eenie, weenie drop of light.  Many mornings, nights, or all day longs, all I see is "more and more" tunnel. 

Thankfully, during these times God wraps His people around me...my husband, my children, my school family, my church family...and I make it through until tomorrow..or the next day.

On the contrary, there are days when I feel good! Great!  And I see Brian for the wonderful person he is...and I feel lucky.  I see my son hit the winning run home....and I feel blessed.  I see my daughter sing to her heart's content in the 1st grade concert....and I know that I never have a reason to complain again because I am so honored. 

On those days I skip into class and enjoy every single second of being a teacher.  Every. Single. Second.  But on the bad days...when there are 25 children talking, bells keep ringing, and papers need grading....it is very, very hard.  I love my students, deeply.  And my dedication to them in unwavering.  But, faking it, when you feel so lousy, takes it toll emotionally.  So, when you get home...there is not too much left for those that mean the most.  Meaning, that I miss out on many games, concerts, recitals, dances, dinners, events, serving Jesus, church servives....

  It is such a vicious cycle. 

Happy, Sad, Stressed, Content, Blessed, Cursed.  Sigh.

Working on Character Traits for Name Projects

But then the bad days come back.  And the light is all gone, again.  And it hurts.  And no matter where I am or what is going on....the joy is "fake" because the physical limitations and results from this attack on my digestive system is horrific.

We had the most beautiful, incredible, breathtaking, amazing Spring Break ever.

We stayed in a house that is ON SALE currently for 2.5 MILLION dollars.  That was ocean AND inlet front.  The ocean was literally out our front door and dolphins swam with us in kayaks in our backyard.  It was an experience that would make even the hugest doubters of God believe...for the beauty was too intense to be from anyone but Him.

Dimples and I

And I was so happy.  I kept saying over and over and over again..."Thank you, Lord"...and I meant it.

Then it was Tuesday.  And my baby girl wanted Mommy to go with her to Sea World.

Chloe and I singing with the Sea Lions

Chloe feeding Flipper at Sea World

And so, of course, I did. 

Our day was incredible.

But, it took all I had, and I was unable to hide the "real" me for the rest of the week.

Hiding your illness is difficult when there is heaving, profuse sweating, lack of ANY appetite, and your eyes are sunken in like a pirate's lost treasure.

So, the last few days, I spend talking to Him a lot.  I would just sit on the beach and talk, cry, question, plead, beg, and thank.  I never, ever forget to thank.  For I know that I am still lucky.  Still blessed.  Still showered with gifts unimaginable.

Upon our return home, I discovered that another...ANOTHER...friend with cancer has a prognosis that is looking grim.  After Amy and Pino....my heart is so heavy.  And I do not know what to say to her.  I pray for her, I do.  But I feel guilty.  Guilty because I am so sad and want my life...and looks...back so that I can be healthy and be like I was before.  And here are women who are losing chances to see their children grow and opportunities to be the Grandfather of the bride.  So, I feel so sad for them....so broken hearted for their loss...that it does not seem right to feel bad for me.

But, I DO, physically, FEEL bad.

So, I just throw some more of my favorite ol' emotion on: GUILT...and go on my way.

Too many emotions in so little time.

I finally, after months of waiting, re-visited my MCV doctor on Tuesday.  I took a day off of work, without pay, traveled over there, sat in the waiting room, paid the $25 co-pay, waited in the exam room, and the Dr. simply offered the same advice, "Just be patient.  Give it time.  You will adjust."

Now, I had followed his low residue diet to the T.

I have not had meat since Christmas.

I have not had fried food since Christmas.

I live on hummus, cottage cheese, and turkey sandwiches.

Yet, I am still WAY overweight, tired, nauseated, and have zero appetite, 99% of my day.

Sleeping does NOT happen without medication.

Which, I am sick of, because I am on so many different kinds.

And again, just more tunnel...absolutely zero light.

But he did suggest I go back on 'domeperidone' which is a Canadian medicine which helps curbs nausea.  So, at a complete dead end, I agreed.

Since Wednesday, I have felt good.

Not, WOOO WEEEEE the ol' me, GREAT..... but, good.

Zero nausea.

Little hunger and little energy...but there is absolutely no feeling of wanting to jump off of the Eiffel Tower because the sickness in my stomach is so overbearing.

It is not a healing and I know it  is a temporary fix and that I have still have a lonnnnnnnnnnnng way to go.

But...

...I WILL TAKE IT!

Even in five days, my eyes look a little better, I feel a little more energy arriving, and I see, maybe just a teeny-tiny, wee, little bit of....light at the end of this two year tunnel we have been in.

I look at my husband and my children and feel complete happiness again.  Deep breath.  I still feel good.  And they still are so incredibly wonderful.  Thank you God for them each...

I miss blogging, I miss it more than I knew you could miss "a thing" like that.  My therapist asked me why I just can't write my feelings.  And I guess, I really do not know.  Is it, you, the audience, that makes my passions and feelings rise and become words?  It must be, huh? 

I have neglected it this last month.  Not because I wanted to, though...

Because the feelings were just too all over the place.

But, as He promises, all is used for His good, if we allow it. 

And I am growing so strong in my faith.  And in who I am in Him.

Yep, still wanna hang up my 'roller coaster' emotions and settle for some 'old lady who will only ride the merry-go-round because there is a bench on it' kind of feelings.

Kelley is so ready for boring.

But, she is still grateful for how close she has become with her Father and for how much she has learned on the importance of trust, faith, and love.  In Him and in those He puts in your life...

The Inlet View from our Balcony

(Kelley does not know why she ended her blog in 3rd person.  Kelley is still weird, irregardless of food poisoning, clearly...)