Reality CAN Suck

But, then again, it doesn't always.

Is that possible at the same time?  Huh?

Confused?  HA!  Welcome to my world, People!

But this was today's roller coaster eye-opener.  And the best part about a ride that is so up and down is that normally, the best hill is saved for the end. 

 So true for me and my journey.

Lately, the happiness, joy, and sheer elation I feel cannot be contained.  I was working on a project after school one day and my co-hort asked me if I'd just had a fifth of Tequila.  Ummm...I hadn't.  But, the point is I am so ridiculously thrilled to GET TO live the life that I am living, that I just want to dance...and sing...and jump...and giggle...and chatter on and on about all these blessings....so, I do.

And so it appears I am crazy sometimes.  So what.  Cause, I am.  Crazy in love with my God, my life, my church, my gifts, my lessons, my path, my job, my friends, my children, and (pause to thank God) my sweet, precious agape-loving husband. 

These last few weeks it is clear that I feel a LOT better....A LOT LOT LOT LOT better...and as the focus scale leans away from the physical health side of life, I am overwhelmed at how blessed I am. 

W.O.W.

And I just want to shout to the world...

"JUST KEEP TRUSTING IN HIM. HE WILL NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT EVER FAIL YOU!"

But, that euphoria had a slight slap in the face today.  I purposely say slight because through a good, strong cry, kneeful prayer, and the immense patience and love of said husband, the part of reality where I realize how immensely blessed, our children and myself are, returned quickly.

I love that part of my reality.  It is not 110% perfect; but it is 110% greater than what I thought was ever in store for me.  And probably once an hour a get that little butterfly feeling in my stomach for I am overwhelmed at the happiness I feel.

Anyway...

Back to the minor slap... 

And the good cry.

I am tired of faking the part of reality that is still, well, real.

My maternal family and I, for over two years, have not shared our lives.  The reasons are not, and usually aren't, the point.  But the nightmares, endless hours of tears, and pure pain are.  They hurt me.  And I suppose I hurt them.  Irregardless, though we all love each other very much, our lives are not meant to intertwine.  No matter how hard we have tried, for decades, it always ends the same way:  In painful silence.

So, I have traveled this path of sickness without them and consequently, they do NOT know me anymore.  They do NOT know my life.  They have ZERO knowledge of my reality.  I realized this, even though it should have been obvious, through my sister's words in a text I received today.

She is right about the part of her statement that said such.  I do hide my reality.  The reality of my physical health...because, although MOUNTAINS better, it is still BUSHELS away from the stamina and stature that I was at pre-Gastroparesis.

Why?  Cause it ain't pretty...

I wake up every morning nauseous, still.  It is slight, but it is there.  It takes one to two hours for the Domeperidone to completely kick in.

I have almost zero strength in my arms and legs.  I try to pick up a casserole dish and 10 steps into my school building I realize I am not going to make it.  Do you know how embarrassing it is to be 38 and have to stop on the ground to rest so you don't pass out?

My head, my heart, and my mind are better than ever.  However, they forget my body is not.  Therefore, I attempt to do things I am not ready to do...and sometimes pay for physical effort beyond the basics.

I want to exercise.  I yearn to exercise.  I need to exercise.

But, physically, I just can't.  Getting up, doing the mom thing for two kids, standing and walking for 8 hours is literally all my body can handle.  Many days...most days...I leave the school holding onto the banister a little tighter than when I came in that morning...for my legs are so very weak.

And do not get me started on food. Eck.  I have very little appetite.  I am so sick of eggs, tuna, lettuce, and vegetables I would rather starve most days than eat the same boring things.  But, I am working on livening up healthier choices and that is going to be okay...

Then there is the energy thing.  I have to...MUST...eat carbs and proteins to make it through the day..physically.  I balance milks, healthy fats, meats, cheeses, veggies, and calculate my six to eight mini-meals and eating them is usually not that enjoyable. Yet, I meticulously watch my calories to get them to at least 800 a day without going over 1200 and make myself eat.

Yet, week after week, day after day, I remain the same weight, or higher, and get more and more out of shape.

If you know me AT ALL, you know how incredibly difficult that is for me.  Yes, reality is that I love me, love my husband and know he loves me, but the reality is also, that I am sizes larger than when we met and that hurts my self-esteem.

Whether, I want it to or not.

I miss many events, including school and church. 

My paycheck was over $1,000 short this month from my days off from my recent hospital stay. Not to mention the immense amount of inconvenience and stress my time off cost my team, co-workers, and administration. 
 Oh yeah, and my husband. 

My children are often upset with me because I am too late, too tired, too boring, too mean, too strict, too "lazy", too scared to overdo it or just too sad to do whatever their next request may be. 

Qualities they rarely saw in me before.  We spend MUCH time together and do MANY wonderful activities...it is just the daily life that is oh so different for them.

I wake up every single night in a pool of sweat from the horrific nightmares that I cannot escape.  I pray.  I mediate.  I listen to music.  I read.  I have tried it all and they continue.  However, even in that nightly prison, I am just thankful that at least I am sleeping and without any medication.  And, most importantly, that my awake world is so much better than my asleep one.

Do you know how many people this illness has causes, and continues to cause, me to let down?  The weight of that at times is heartbreaking...whether it is my fault or not.

And, finally, the reality of my physical strength. 
The graphic nature of what my body goes through EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. is not made for print. 
But, again, I really am not that angry.  I am too full of gratitude that I no longer feel the unbearable pain and nausea that overtook my body for the past months, that dealing with these and other inconveniences, although annoying, no longer consume my every thought.

And on and on and on... Those are just the greatest parts of the reality that DO, in my mind, suck. 

But, I don't like to talk about that part for...

A) Who wants to hear it???

B) I truly have always been a 'focus on the positive' kinda gal!

C) When I do share, people's replies are often unnerving: "Well, at least you are not the people in Haiti."  "Focus on the positive.  We all have struggles."  "Remember how lucky you are!"  "At least your children are happy and healthy."

Duh. Duh. And Double Duh.  But it is VERY hard to remember all of that when you are trying to do your job with a trash can in your hand and the fear of the next accident on your mind.

But the D), the last reason, is why I do not focus on all that part of the reality.  Because, even though I have to watch what I eat and spend weekends resting in order to restore my body for the upcoming week, I still am "healthy and wonderful."

My mind is healthy.

My spirituality is healthy.

My emotions are healthy.

My heart is pretty healthy. 

 (Some pains just can never be erased, unfortunately.)

My relationships..especially with God..are healthy.

And all of this combined, makes the part of reality that DOES suck seem like a speck of dust compared to the part that doesn't.

And that IS wonderful.

So, the answer is yes: Reality CAN both suck and be awesome at the same time.  

Thank goodness.

Minor slap dismissed.  Back to being "healthy and wonderful"...